Obsessed With PBS: Downton Abbey, S5, Part Nine

If you’re like me, you remember exactly where you were during the infamous Broth War of 1924.

In short, Denker says she can make broth. Sprat doesn’t believe her. Her broth sucks. Daisy makes some for her to pass off as her own. Sprat finds it and pours it down the sink. Denker makes more horrible broth. The Dowager Countess can barely swallow it and declares it delicious just to spite Sprat. To sum up, DC deserves better staff.

Denker and Sprat will never be Hughes and Carson, that’s for damn sure. And they will never get engaged. That’s right, kids: Carson proposed to Hughes! At the start of the episode, they were looking at properties for their Bed & Breakfast. Later Hughes confesses that she has no savings due to giving all her extra money to care for her sister who is “not quite right in the head”. Carson buys a place anyway and puts Hughes’s name on it as well. ‘Cuz they gettin’ married, y’all. ‘Cuz Hughes said, “Of course I’ll marry you, you ole booby.” (Donk’s butler is now Ole Booby.)

That was just one of the happy endings at the Crawley Christmas bash. Bates returns to surprise a now-released-from-prison Anna. You see, Anna was still being kept in jail due to one witness account because Scotland Yard found some dirt on her past. Because Anna’s life didn’t start sucking when she met Bates, she had to fend off a lecherous stepfather when she was a pre-teen. She defended herself with a knife and the stepfather was cut. So she has a history of defending herself against attackers. And Bates just sits back and does nothing. Kidding! This is Bates we are talking about here. He says he would “cut his arm off if he thought it would help.” To which Barrow replies, “We can’t have you wobbly at both ends.”

No arms need come off because instead Bates confesses to the crime. He flees. Moseley offers to search the Bates cottage for clues. Because Detective Moseley is on the case! What he finds there is a picture of Bates. He and Baxter use it to inquire at every pub in York to see if anyone remembers Bates having lunch while the Fatal Pushing of Mr. Green took place. Someone did remember! A barkeep remembers Bates’s wobbly end. But if Bates is innocent won’t they arrest Anna again? Well conveniently, the witness now doubts if it was Anna he saw. So that’s that, right? I guess.

Another matter has come to a close: Princess Kuragin (nee Thingamajig) has arrived. She is a charmer. In the princess’s defense, DC did run away with Prince Kuragin to elope. The Princess caught up with them and threw DC out of the carriage. DC is actually grateful to the Princess for saving her relationship with her family. So she wanted to save her in return. And that’s why the Dowager Countess rules.

Side commentary: word on the street is that Maggie Smith will not return after next season. To which I say, Downton Abbey should end after next season. Because, really? Who else is going to deliver lines like:

“Never complain. Never explain.” to the amusement of everyone.

“Why do you treat me like the salmon who laid my eggs in the gravel and swam back to the sea?” to her son.

“Only to check if the locks were sound.” to the idea of visiting Denker if she were in prison.

“I will never again receive an immoral proposition from a man.” to Isobel about Prince Kuragin episode.

“Doctor Clarkson will be delighted!” to Isobel when she breaks up with Dickie Merton.

Oh yeah, the Dynamic Duo is back together again! Isobel writes a letter to Dickie’s son, asking if he would bless her union with his father and the jerk writes back, “Nope” (paraphrase).  Isobel says she won’t come between a father and his sons so she breaks it off. Dickie is devastated and so is she. But the audience is happy that DC and Isobel can have tea and play games and quip. It’s the way the world should be.

In other worlds, people shoot grouse. Lord and Lady Sinderby invite the family (plus Barrow and Baxter) to Brancaster Castle to go shooting. They don’t invite Shrimpie and Susan because Lord S is still disapproving of their divorce. Turns out Lord S is a bit of a hypocrite. Yeah, Daniel Sinderby has a love child. Here’s how that went down: Lord S’s butler Stowell is a snob and treats Tom poorly because he was a lowly chauffeur. Mary asks Baxter to ask Barrow to get back at Stowell. Barrow writes a note to the cook to give Lord S a lame dinner. Lord S loses his shit at Stowell in front of the guests and lashes out at Barrow, “you stupid fool.” Oh he did. You know Barrow isn’t letting that slide. He gets some Lord S dirt from a drunk Stowell. That dirt turns up at tea. Lord S sees the woman and child and almost passes out. Thinking quickly, Rose acts like the woman is her old friend and gets Donk and Mary to go along with it. She saves the day! Or she helps keep a creep’s adulterous secret! Either way she did it for Atticus and now Lord S loves her and the family. He’ll even invite Shrimpie and Susan to the next grouse shooting. Because as he says, those in glass houses should not throw stones. Especially child-size stones named Daniel Jr.

What else did I learn from the final episode of Season Five? Both Tom and Donk reveal to Edith that they know Marigold is her daughter.  There are potential suitors at Brancaster Castle. For Edith, an agent and for Mary, Matthew Goode who is too big a name to only be on this one episode. He’ll return, I’m sure. They sparred a bit and she looked impressed by his fancy, fast car. Forgetting, I’m assuming, that her husband died in a car accident. Atticus and Rose are moving to New York. Christmas happens. Hey, Andy the footman is back! Tom says to Mary and Edith, “Let’s take a moment to think of Sybil.” Sniff. Tom and Sybbie are still moving to Boston. Double sniff. Lord Grantham asks Sybbie, “What should Marigold call me?” “Donk!” (I can only hope Marigold lives up to your awesomeness, Sybbie.) Speak of the Donk, he has an ulcer so he takes it easy on the booze until Christmas. Ergo Drunk Donk.

Dronk.