FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Lord “Donk” Grantham Vs. Simon “I’m here for the art, I swear” Bricker.
The setup: Donk goes to Sheffield for some war buddy dinner. Bricker comes to visit Downton Abbey to check out more art. That “art” means Cora…in her bedroom, uninvited. She tells him to go but he stays long enough for Donk to find him there. Then: BAM! You’ve been Donk-Slapped, Bricker! They tussle awkwardly on the floor, causing Edith to inquire at the door, “What the–?” [paraphrase] “Your father and I were playing a stupid game and knocked over a lamp,” Cora says. “Game” meaning Kick Bricker’s Ass. “Lamp” = Bricker’s Ass. Needless to say, the art scholar leaves first thing the next morning. Thinking Donk heroic? He ignores Cora for the rest of the episode. There’s that Grumpy Donk I know.
You know only a fight can keep me from this episode’s other big news: Bye, bye Bunting! Here’s how it went down: “I have loved you, you know,” says Bunting. Tom says, “Welp! It was nice knowing you!” OK. It was actually “I’m glad we met” and other niceties. They kiss. She says she wishes she met him before he knew “them”, meaning the Crawleys. Had to get another dig in, didn’t you? Tom, I hope you realize that you dodge a bullet there.
Rosamund comes to visit to hear more about the little girl Edith visits and confronts her niece. Edith takes her to meet her daughter, Marigold, further enraging Mrs. Drewe. Finally, Mr. Drewe tells Edith that she can never come back and if she does, they will sell the farm, move away and take Marigold with them. Rosamund and the Dowager Countess corner Edith and tell her to get the child away from the Drewes and send her to a school in France. Edith wants her to stay nearby in London. Which is what it seems Edith has decided when she uses Carson’s phone to make a private call to London. Julian Fellowes, give Edith a little happiness, will you? I’m sure the actress is tired of frowning.
Wait. Barrow is going through Conversion Therapy? Electric shocks and drugs to de-gay him? Maybe Baxter will call Jimmy and he’ll return for an intervention. If not, then that goes into my Alternate Abbey book that I just now dreamed up.
Also in Alternate Abbey: Bates saying “Yeah, I pushed Green to his death because he raped my wife!” Then he gets a special medal from Scotland Yard and pats on the back. However in this Abbey, Scotland Yard does no patting and instead questions Lady Mary and Anna about their time in London on the day of Mr. Green’s death. “Did you like Mr. Green?” the inspector asks Anna. “Yes, I did.” Then her nose grew. “Don’t go away, Mrs. Bates,” she is warned. Perhaps it will be Anna going to prison for a change. No, what am I saying? Bates will confess first to save his wife from jail. Because that’s what he does. Classic Bates.
Here’s some Classic Dowager Countess: “Ellen Terry has nothing on you when it comes to stringing out a moment.” This is in response to Isobel not yet giving Dickie Merton an answer to his proposal. Later DC recruits Doctor Clarkson to assess the couple’s relationship. Doc straight up asks DC if she is afraid of Isobel upping her station. DC “does not quite grasps [his] question”. Later DC and the doctor admit that Isobel and Dickie are well suited for one another.
Major portions of Alternate Abbey will be devoted to DC and Isobel putting puzzles together and quipping. Also, quite a few scenes will feature Mary and Tom hanging out after dinner being awesome friends. He will say, “Yeah, Blake is so much more interesting than Lord Gillingham. Even though he did that weird thing of inviting Gillingham’s ex-fiancée to dinner and trying to convince her to go after Tony again.” “Yeah,” says Mary, “that was awkward. But she left in a huff and we shared her dinner!” Cheers! Clinking of glasses.
What else did I learn from this episode? Rose meets a dashing man in the rain named Atticus Aldridge. (Not his family’s original name since they were from Russia. “What sounds really, really English?” I’m assuming they said.) Seems Atticus’s family were forced out of Odessa because they were Jewish. One of Prince Kuragin’s chums turns out to be anti-Semitic but Rose is like, “so you’re Jewish, who cares?” Atticus asks her out. Mrs. Patmore inherits some money from a dead aunt and asks Carson what to do with it. Carson gets offended when Hughes tells her that she would be better off asking someone “still in the game”. Carson tries to prove that he’s still got his finger on the pulse so he tells her to invest in the building company that Donk is considering for the village re-do. Mrs. Patmore confesses to Hughes that she only asked him out of habit because he’s a man and doesn’t want to hurt his feelings now. Hughes says, “I wish our men worried about our feelings a quarter as much as we worry about theirs.” Truth. So Mrs. Patmore tells Carson that she bought a house. This leads Carson to utter my favorite quote this week: “Oh, this is very small beer.”
Hey! Know what’s not “small beer”? The Backhand Heard Around The World! Know what else is not “small beer”? The Bunting Headed Out Of Town!
