It’s National Novel Writing Month so I thought I would participate…by not writing a novel. I tried it a few years ago. Didn’t hit my word goal but I got an idea out of my system. So much out of my system that I haven’t gone back to it or even opened the file again. Tackling NaNoWriMo this year would be futile to say the very least. See, I haven’t been writing too much in the past few years. Drawing some but no typey typey. There’s no real reason for my word absence except maybe for a stressful job and a stressful world. Some writers may respond to that stress by turning to the page and spewing out their thoughts. I, however, retreated into “self care” or watching lots of tv and lazing around. Not that it is a bad thing to chill and recharge. It was definitely necessary.
The stress had became so much that I had a fake heart attack. So embarrassing. I had been having bad heartburn off and on, even going to the doc for it. But one day it was different. I had a tightness across my chest and my arms were numb. I spoke to my friend’s boyfriend who was recently a fireman. He asked me questions, didn’t think I was in any immediate danger but I should go to the emergency room to be sure. What if it’s nothing? I’d be so embarrassed. You want to be embarrassed, he said. That means you are OK. I freaked out and started to heave cry. Heaved cry right by the human resources office. The HR lady followed me to my office. My friend said she would take me to the hospital but HR picked up the phone and said, “No, I”m calling 911.” You want to be embarrassed. Well, I got my wish. Six EMTs plus campus security were gathered around me, sticking pads all over my body. They asked lots of questions, checked my blood sugar after they heard about the diabetes in my family, and asked about my stress level. I told them I had just put in my notice and would be starting a new job soon. I got the “Yeah, you are having a panic attack” look. I apologized for wasting their time. They were very kind. But I couldn’t stop saying I’m sorry. Now I’ve always been an apologist. I don’t even notice the Sorrys coming out of my mouth sometimes. It’s a struggle to keep them at bay. But I may be free of them as I used up at least a few life times worth of apologies for my existence that day.
I was cleared from the EMTs and I took the rest of the day off. Oh yeah, I wasn’t going home after work that day. I was kitty sitting for my Nephcats (or Kitphews aka my brother & his gf’s cats). I couldn’t have a heart attack because I had to feed the cats! That’s what I told both the fireman and the EMTs. Like suddenly they would say, “Oh, then you’re fine because you have to empty the litter box.” Thankfully I was fine. I went to my brother’s and binged watched Killing Eve.
Much more relaxed now in my new job. I also have more time for things like…writing. Which I haven’t been doing. Instead I’ve been satisfying my creative impulses by doing art. I got a couple packs of canvases from Michaels and started dabbling. So in this Non-NoWriMo time, I’ll post some of my art. Maybe even type a word or two.
And I’ll still binge watch tv…because I stay on brand.
